catie

Catie looked at me helplessly, almost as if she was ready to give up.

"Why do you keep doing this to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm tired. Please leave me alone."

"But-"

Tears gathered in her eyes as she desperately tried to hold back her anger. She slowly curled her hands into fists as her nails pierced her palms. Shaking, she took a deep breath and looked at me for the last time.

"You never even cared for me."

Every fiber of my body froze. How could she say that to me? After everything I did for her, does she think she can just throw it all away? We created a life together. She was happy to be with me. She would always come to me without me even asking her to. How can she possibly blame me?  She never was opposed to what I did to her or for her. Why is it my fault when I had no clue?

"Catie, you know I would never hurt you even if I wanted to."

She looked at me with disappointment.  She stormed to her medicine cabinet, grabbed all the pill bottles on the bottom shelf, and threw them at my face.  

"This is what you've been doing to me.  Every damn day I have to do this alone. I have to carry your weight and mine while you live freely on the idea that you're 'making me feel better.' You know what you do to me. You know that you pierce through my insecurities. You know how dangerous you are. And yet you always find a way to convince me that you're the only one for me."

"It's because I am the only one for you. Do you think anyone would have been able to handle your insanity? Do you think anyone would have been able to understand your sadness as much as I do? Do you think anyone would have been able to sit alongside you weep about being broken?"

"Do you think you did anything better?"

I took a step back. I tried to speak with every ounce of what I had left in me, but that wasn't enough to whisper even a word.  How was I supposed to know that I was hurting her this much when she was confiding in me all this time?  Was she hiding things from me, or was I ignoring the silent cries?

I looked at the spilled bottles and hung my head low.

Nothing was going to change her anymore. I've seen her in situations like this: Once she makes a decision, there is no way anything can turn her around. Not even me. She was probably thinking about this a lot longer than I would have imagined.

"Catie, why didn't you tell me all of this before? You wouldn't have been wasting your time like this. Why would you-"

She scoffed.

"You never gave me a chance. And even if you did, you would have just dragged me back to you like you always do."

She let go of her tears. Streaks of mascara ran down her face. It was like meeting her for the first time again.

I didn't want to let her go, but there was nothing left to say or do. It was time to move on.  So I grabbed my jacket and reached for the door.

"I'll always love you, Catie, even when you don't."

"I won't need it anymore."

-

It's been one year since I separated ways with Depression.