untitled; progression
I woke up to several texts disturbing my afternoon nap.
"Where are you?"
"Answer me right now."
"I'm not kidding."
"What is wrong with you?"
"Hurry up and answer the phone."
"I swear to god..."
43 missed calls,
25 voicemails,
79 new text messages.
Not bad, if you were to compare it to the past five days of constant notification abuse.
I rolled my eyes as I put my phone back down with the last bit of energy I had left in myself. A cheating man does not deserve that much anyway.
The only thing keeping me alive was the warm afternoon sunset. I didn't want to waste my time thinking about how he could hurt me. I mean, that's all I've been doing. And I'm sick of it.
-
Marie came back to the apartment frantically looking for me. I was busy finishing up my last project for the month, so I didn't hear her for a good minute until she busted through my door. It was strange of her to do that, considering the fact that she hated running, or just exercising in general. I guess this was serious. Her hands were shaking as she looked at me with fear. I wonder what was going on in her head when she was preparing herself to tell me the news...
"I saw him..."
"Saw who Marie? John Mayer?"
(She was a huge fan, if you couldn't notice.)
"No, your boyfriend. -deep inhale- He was with another girl. -deep inhale-"
"Marie, he was probably with a friend."
Marie reached for her phone in her pocket and shoved the screen at my face.
"Does this look like just his friend?"
My eyes gazed over her phone, assuming that she was just mistaken. He would never do that to me, what would possibly-
Wait.
That's him, and I've never seen that girl before. Are they cousins? Very distant relatives? Wait why is he touching her hair? He only does that to me right before he tells me how much he loves my freckles. Does she have freckles too? Why is he even with her this late at night? I thought he was going to go bowling with the guys? What does this even mean? No, he has no reason to lie to me. Maybe this isn't even him... Who am I kidding, I can't even lie to myself. That's exactly him. But I didn't want to believe it. Damn it, Marie.
"Marie... Please don't tell me this is him."
"I would never lie to you."
People in movies who find out they're possibly being cheated on look so cool. How do they keep their composure? I wasn't sure how to feel. I mean, I felt so confused because this whole situation couldn't even process through. But I was also angry that he would dare lie to me like that. But at the same time, how could he do something like this to me? Should I cry? Should I just go psycho and look for him with a knife in my hand? Do I pretend like I don't know about this when I see him tomorrow?
-
I woke up to the last bit of sun resting on my face through the window. I checked my phone to see what time it was, considering that it felt like only ten minutes.
78 missed calls,
Voicemail box full,
145 text messages, jeez.
My head sunk into my pillow.
-
Time stopped.
I looked at Marie underneath a blanket of the ocean. I wanted to say so much but I couldn't say anything at all. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be seen or even exist at all.
Marie gently grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into her embrace. At the touch of kindness, I wanted to let everything go. Even him.
-
He was ten minutes late. He's always never on time, so I usually wouldn't be phased, but I had every right to be mad at even the smallest mistakes he made.
"Sorry I was late, there was just so much traffic"
"As always."
"What?"
"You know, maybe if you stopped hooking up with girls so far away you would actually be on time."
"What the... Where is this coming from? You never get mad about me being late."
"So I'm not allowed to be mad?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying but I-"
How does he still have the courage to act clueless? My coffee is lukewarm now. I hate lukewarm coffee.
I looked at him after swallowing my tears. He doesn't deserve to see them.
"Save your excuses for someone who will tolerate your behavior. And while you're at it, pay for my coffee. I'm not paying for something I never asked for, like this stupid lukewarm coffee."
"What is the matter with you? Did something happen?"
"Yeah. You cheated."
All of the colors I once loved on his face vanished. I looked at him and laughed. He had no right to be shocked. He had no right to look sad. He had no right to think that he was a victim at all. I could tell he was trying to think of a way to get out of this, but I had no intention of changing my mind about him. Who knows how many other girls he's seen behind my back?
I mustered up the last bit of courage I had in me. I wasn't going to cry over someone who meant nothing to me. I wasn't going to show him that I loved him anymore.
"I don't want an explanation. Just know that this is now over."
-
I woke up to the moon saying its nightly greetings. The city streets were quiet for the first time in a long time. Or maybe it was my conscience finally finding peace. I reached for my phone and didn't even bother to look at the insane notifications.
I blocked and deleted his number.
I deleted our message threads.
I wiped out my voicemails.
And I began to breathe.