waking up; a journal entry

07/02/2020

"What gets you up in the morning?"

I've always had thoughts of changing the world. Since I could remember to this day, I would have dreams of being successful so that I can provide for my future family and friends who have supported me throughout my growth of success. In my early years of school, I would write in my journals about wanting to do something so that people can understand each other and love one another. Throughout college, I would actively support my friends and their dreams so that they have fuel to feel even more passionate about their goals. I would call myself a creator because I want to be blessed by blessing others.

But I'm not going to lie: there are a lot of things going on in my life right now. And sometimes it's been so hard to keep up with myself that I either lose sight of my purpose or just choose to ignore it all and be a professional couch potato instead.

My mental health has been declining. The closest ones around me don't feel so close anymore. Every passing day looks and feels the same. I don't get the same type of happiness when I write. I don't think I find happiness at all. It seems pointless at times when I'm writing because I assume that it's just going to be another boring blog post on the internet. Even working out feels like a chore more than an interest. And to top it off, the country that I live in is in shambles. People are complaining about wearing masks and how uncomfortable it is to keep them on when there are others literally breathing through tubes just to survive.

Last night, I had a conversation with my boyfriend about my future. There are so many things that I want to accomplish right now, like moving out and getting a job, but it's obvious that I'm not ready. So he helped me realize that to be ready to do these things, I need to practice my craft while I have the time.

This current stage that I'm in right now feels so long because it's currently the longest "uncomfortable" stage I have to endure. But when I compare this moment to the life ahead of me, this phase in my life is so short. So while I am practicing endurance and patience, I also need to take care of my passion so that I can progress steadily in the future.

I used to be so passionate about writing. In college, I would sit in front of my school coffee shop and journal for hours. I would have pages of stories I was determined to turn into film one day. When I first discovered my love for poetry, I would pause anything and write whatever came to mind. I even stopped taking lecture notes one time just to figure out the poem that was being formed in my head (sorry mom if you're reading this, I promise I got notes from someone afterward).

But now that writing is the career I officially chose to pursue, I am afraid of my insecurities. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'm afraid of not becoming who I always envisioned to be ever since I was little. I'm afraid of not wanting to do this for the rest of my life despite the hundreds of thousands of dollars my parents spent on my education. I'm afraid of not being respected for my craft and not being taken seriously because "writing is something anyone can pursue without even trying." Which, by the way, is completely false.

I fell asleep to the question, "What gets you up in the morning?"

And I woke up to: "Being a content creator."

I was reminded that anything takes diligence. Anything you choose to pursue takes constant repetition. It's the dedication and the amount of work you put into the first steps that make you stronger and your work louder. That's why it's so important to surround yourself with people who are willing to support you and be with you throughout the entire ride.

If anyone out there is feeling unmotivated, uninspired, or even just apathetic about any part of their lives right now, I just want to say that it's okay to feel that way. There are moments when I stare at an empty doc and struggle all day to find something to write about, so I give up because it's easier. But I urge you, as you're finding your way around or over the block you're stuck in front of, to at least remind yourself of why you started to pursue your passions.

Ask yourself:

"What were my intentions when I began?"

"What changed?"

"Do I still have the same passion? If not, why? If so, what am I doing to maintain or grow it?"

If you need rest, then for crying out loud get some rest. Take a breather. Get off of social media. Buy yourself a nice dress. Skate around the neighborhood (and don't forget to wear a mask). Cook yourself a nice meal or get it delivered to your house. Read a book that you've always been meaning to read. Shower for once.

But when you're done taking your break and when you've recollected yourself, get back to working your ass off. Have that first spark in your head as you grind to fulfill that spark and turn it into roaring flames.

If you don't think you can do it, know that I think you definitely can. You are most capable of what you decide to pursue if you choose to manifest that energy. I'm being serious. I don't mean to sound like a "mainstream spiritual guidance counselor," but if you really want something, manifest that dream and turn it into a reality. And if it fails in the end, you have the rest of your life to pursue something else. Remember: it took Edison 1,001 tries to create a lightbulb.

Despite everything that happened in 2020, let's all work hard so that we can make this world into a better place with the gifts we've received and the interests we decided to turn into our careers. We were made to be who we are for a greater reason we can't even comprehend, so let's do our best together.

Don't forget to drink water.

ireneskylar